I was listening to a song the other day and it said something to the affect of "people making your heart beat again." That phrase of the song caused me to think of things that still make my heart beat quicker,things that still can bring a smile to me face, or things that move me and bring joy to my life. This is not a comprehensive list but these are some things that I have noticed lately.

• A good cheese ball accompanied by a box of Wheat Thins
• Sugarland Songs (country music in general)
• Having a great conversation and laughing with someone that I still deeply care about
• Seeing Ethan and Tyler support each other and encourage one another
• Receiving an unexpected phone call or visit from someone when I am having a difficult time and feeling low emotionally and feeling like nobody remembers me and them telling me they have been thinking of me and love me.
• Hearing Tyler learning to count
• Listening to Ethan's stories
• Nathan's Hot Dogs (if you hate hot dogs you won't after eating these puppies)
• Tyler asking to cuddle with me
• Getting a hug 
• Good and supportive friends

I guess this is a good list for now but I honestly feel like Harrison Ford in "Regarding Henry" after he gets shot and has to learn how to do everything for himself all over again.  I am learning to feel and love again.  I am learning to be human again and part of something larger than myself.  I am learning how to forgive.  I am learning to accept myself for me.  I am learning to find joy in each day no matter how small because some days that one thing might be what needs to sustain me that day.  I am learning to see things from others point of view.  I am learning to do the best that I can and know that is enough and acceptable.  I am far from where I want to be but I am trying and will always try no matter what.  I have faith that has to count for something.  Some days I wonder how in the hell I even made in through the day still standing and intact but then I look back and see throughout the day where the grace of God intervened on my behalf.  I thank God each day for the chance to be blessed with two wonderful children.  I ask and plead to understand forgiveness and how the Atonement can work in my life.  I know in my head that it can but getting it from my head to the heart is not always easy, but there is only ONE person who can make that possible. There is only ONE person who can heal me.